Dear Readers,

Every October, as the leaves begin to change, I’m reminded that transformation often starts with something as simple as a single step. For many in our community, that step might be walking in memory of a loved one, walking toward recovery, or walking beside someone who feels lost in their struggle. Addiction and recovery touch more lives than most of us realize, and yet—too often—those stories unfold in silence. This month, we’re breaking that silence together.

The Essex County Opiate and Fentanyl Awareness Walk is more than a community event—it’s a living symbol of resilience, compassion, and hope. It’s a reminder that no one heals alone, and every step we take is a step toward understanding. 

Here’s how our community is coming together this month to walk for awareness, recovery, and hope.

Dear Readers, 

We’ve all been there—wanting to move forward, but feeling like our biggest obstacle isn’t the world around us… it’s ourselves. Whether it’s overthinking, procrastination, or that inner voice whispering “you’re not ready yet”, sometimes the hardest part of growth is stepping aside so we can actually take the step forward.

So, how do you get out of your own way? Psychology gives us some tools:

Dear Readers, 

In this month’s newsletter, we are going to turn our attention and focus on supporting young minds as they prepare to head back to school in just a few short weeks. Continue reading on to see how you, the caregiver/parent/guardian, can behave in valued ways to make the transition smoother for your child, pre-teen, teenager, or young adult!

As summer winds down, young people begin to shift from the relaxed rhythm of vacation to the more structured pace of school. This transition—while exciting—can also bring on anxiety, emotional overwhelm, or behavioral shifts in children, teens, and young adults. As a clinical psychologist, I see this time of year as a critical opportunity to support emotional well-being, encourage open conversations, and foster resilience in young minds. Here are a few guiding principles to help your child start the school year with confidence and calm:

Life moves fast. Between deadlines, responsibilities, and the constant stream of information, it’s easy to get swept up in stress before we even notice it’s happening. But what if I told you there’s a simple, research-backed way to ground yourself—in just three minutes?

That’s what the 3-Minute Breathing Space is all about. And in the spirit of helping you care for your mind as much as your to-do list, I created a guided version you can return to any time you need a reset.

Dear Reader,

Ah, summer—long days, late sunsets, and… rising tempers? Whether it’s the heat, the social obligations, or just too many people in your personal space, summer has a sneaky way of turning up not just the thermostat, but your emotional temperature too.

We call these moments emotional heat waves—when frustration, anger, anxiety, or irritability come rushing in like a sudden summer storm. They’re uncomfortable, overwhelming, and if we’re not careful, they can lead to reactions we later regret.

This month, we’re focusing on a skill from mindfulness-based therapy called urge surfing—a tool that helps you ride out the emotional wave without wiping out. 

• • 🌿 Pause and breathe. A few slow breaths can anchor us in the present when the heart feels heavy.
  • 📝 Name what’s here. Saying “this is grief,” “this is sadness,” or even “I don’t know what this is” gives shape to the experience.
  • 💗 Be gentle. Rest, cry, laugh, remember, or rage—there’s no right way to grieve.

Dear Readers, 

Welcome to May—nature is blooming, the sun is showing off, and our calendars have finally stopped gaslighting us with seasonal affective disorder. But more importantly, it’s Mental Health Awareness Month—a moment in the year when we collectively take a breath, look around, and ask, “Is anyone okay?”

Spoiler: We’re all doing our best.

Mental Health Awareness Month is not just a time to wear green ribbons or repost infographics. It’s a much-needed spotlight on something often whispered about, sidestepped, or drenched in stigma: our inner world. That complex tangle of emotions, thoughts, traumas, quirks, and coping mechanisms (some healthy, some…let’s just say “creative”).

And if you’ve ever asked your therapist if crying in the Trader Joe’s parking lot counts as “emotional processing”—this month is for you.

Dear Readers, 

Understanding the Reality of Stress

Have you ever been given the recommendation from a trusted friend, physician, or other professional to “just reduce or lessen your stress”, or, better yet, “stay away from stress”, as a way to navigate physical and mental health challenges? If it was just that easy, many of us would be out of jobs! Just lessen your stress, and there will be no more mess! Right? …… wrong!

What if I told you that one of the many dichotomies of a life well lived is that we cannot go untouched by stressful experiences in our life. Sure, some of us will experience stress to a greater degree than others, but there is no way out of the experience. If stress is something that is inevitable, then it’s our defense, or our response to it, that is within our control!

Dear Readers, 

Acknowledge the Inner Perfectionist

I know that I am not alone here when I openly admit that I, at times, struggle with my own inner perfectionist. Sometimes, she is really adaptive and helpful to me. She helps me set my goals, helps me to meet them, and also leaves me wanting more and better next time. She also really loves the external praise received from others about my performance at home, in the office, with clients, with friends and family. However, she holds very rigid rules, idealized goals, and unrealistic ambitions with the highest expectations, and when they are not met, she can be incredibly harsh, condemning, and self-critical. She has absolutely no room for error and wants me to be flawless, faultless, making no mistakes in any area of life. She also has the power to create deep inflexibility within my line of thinking and behaviors, and can even get in the way of meaningful experiences and relationships. She can keep me stuck in procrastination only adding to the anxieties that come with being a working mom and a human being. Can anyone relate?

The Two Faces of Perfectionism: Adaptive vs. Maladaptive

Over time through maturity, life experiences, and of course, my own individual therapy journey, I have learned to differentiate between adaptive perfectionism, and maladaptive, or unhelpful perfectionism. Since this is more of a trait or facet of personality more than it is a diagnosable mental disorder, it can be conceptualized as one variable that, when acted on, can either enhance our life and well-being, or drain us and keep us stuck in unnecessary suffering. My goal for this month’s newsletter is to dose readers up a few intensive therapeutic interventions that can be done at home, at no cost to you, to release yourself from the grips of the harsh inner critic that speaks perfectionistic lingo to you, and instead, lead you on a path of flexible striving towards high yet attainable standards and a life well lived.

Where Does Perfectionism Come From

For many of us, our inner perfectionist was born during our early childhood experiences if we had caregivers/parents with extremely high standards for us; if we were made to believe and feel that we are never good enough; or received conditional love and affection based on our achievements. If this is you, please read this and silently say this to yourself: “it was hard at times growing up having such rigid and unreachable expectations put on me, I know I am not alone in this struggle, may I give myself the permission to inherently know that I am good enough, flaws and all. My mistakes, nor my achievements, do not define me. My actions based on my heart’s deepest values are what defines me.”

The Power of Making Mistakes on Purpose

Learning to accept that we are all perfectly imperfect may be best the way out of the tight grip that our inner perfectionist has on us. What better way to conquer perfectionism than to on purpose break its own self-imposed rule of “I must not make a mistake or else”. We can do this through on purpose making intentional mistakes as the intervention coupled with a very healthy dose of self-compassion. Forcing perfectionists to make mistakes helps them become more accepting of failure and not doing things the “right” way.

Examples:

1. On purpose, spell at least 3 words wrong.
2. On purpose trip in front of someone.
3. On purpose pay for something with the incorrect amount of money.
4. On purpose drop something in front of others such as your cellphone, car keys, eye glass case.
5. On purpose, order something that is not on the menu at a restaurant.
6. On purpose, greet someone with the wrong name.
7. On purpose attempt to purchase something at Target with a Walmart gift card.

Lean into Discomfort: The Path to Growth

Really allow yourself to lean into the experience of doing something “wrong” or making a mistake. Make space for that discomfort to be present, just as it is, without any effort to do anything or change anything. It is in this space of gentle allowance of discomfort where real learning happens. Let’s get comfortable being uncomfortable as a perfectly imperfect human being.

An inner perfectionist can drive anyone to burnout and exhaustion. As an act of self-compassion, would you be willing to choose now as the time to give yourself a break?

Dear Readers, 

Why Problem-Solving Isn’t Always the Best Response

Question for you: What is your knee-jerk reaction when your partner is upset about a situation, or even worse, upset with you? Do you have the instinctual urge to jump right into problem-solving mode? Or do you take a minute, get present with yourself and with your partner, actively listen to what they are saying, and make sense of their inner world of feelings and emotions?

If you are like me (at least the old me pre-psychologist era!), my initial reaction was to try my best to figure out how to make my partner’s “upsetness” go away, because I was uncomfortable knowing that he was in emotional pain and I wanted to do something about it! However, in jumping into action mode, I inadvertently left my then boyfriend (now husband!) feeling totally alone in his distress.

The Power of Validation in Relationships

Another question for you: What would you say if I told you that perhaps that most effective and meaningful way to make your partner’s emotional problem better is to let them know that you understand what they are feeling and not seek out an immediate solution? Seems counterintuitive right? Read on to find out more …

Have you ever had the experience of not feeling heard by your partner, or felt alone in what you are experiencing? If you’re like most of us, the answer is likely yes, and these feelings of being alone and unheard more often than not lead to a great degree of disconnection in relationships. The heartfelt intentions of wanting to take away your partner’s distress may actually unintentionally leave them feeling invalidated – as I learned the hard way.

What is Validation and Why Does It Matter?

Before we understand what invalidation is, we have to first understand and get a grip on what validation is and why it is so important in fostering connection with our romantic partners. Taken right from Webster’s dictionary, the word “validation” quite literally means “to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of”. Bringing this definition to a relational context, validation is an act of doing, or, giving an affirmation that another person’s inner world of feelings, experiences, or opinions make sense (even if they don’t make sense to you!) Validation does not include your judgements or opinions of how the other person feels or advice on how they should handle their situation.

How Early Experiences Shape Our Understanding of Feeling Validated

Many of us have experienced early learning through caregivers/parents and messaging from our culture/society a lack of validation and an abundance of invalidation. How many times can you remember your mother or father (or caregiver) tell you “What are you crying about? If you don’t stop crying right now I will give you something to cry about!” Or perhaps a scenario a little less emotionally abusive … what about when you went to your caregiver sharing that you were worried about your midterm tomorrow, and they responded something along the lines of “don’t worry honey, I know how hard you have been studying, and I know you got this. There is absolutely nothing to worry about”. These types of messages tend to leave us feeling like we are wrong for having these feelings in the first place, or worse, that we are crazy because we shouldn’t be feeling them! Because of this unfortunate cultural norm, many of us do not have much expertise or experience in providing validation to others because we don’t have much experience being validated ourselves!

How Validation Strengthens Emotional Safety and Connection

Receiving validation from our partners helps to ensure a sense of emotional safety and connection, and allows us to relinquish the need to protect ourselves through our emotional defense system. One important piece inherent in the act of providing validation is that we consciously and mindfully empathize without judgement or advice giving. Even if you don’t understand, disagree, or wouldn’t feel the same way your partner does, are you willing to put yourself behind their eyes and in their shoes, take their perspective, and see why they feel this way? If the answer is yes, read on …

Practical Phrases to Validate Your Partner

Here are some helpful validating phrases to try on the next time your partner (or really anyone in your circle for extra practice 😊) comes to you courageously and shares their vulnerability and distress:

1. Gosh, that sounds really tough

2. Help me understand the situation that left you feeling upset

3. I understand why you’re upset, I would feel the same way too if I were in your shoes

4. I totally hear you

5. I get it 

6. Is there anything I can do to help

7. You have the right to feel that way

OR the shortest, simplest phrase that has the power to move mountains and foster human connection:

8. Of course …