Dear Readers, 

Acknowledge the Inner Perfectionist

I know that I am not alone here when I openly admit that I, at times, struggle with my own inner perfectionist. Sometimes, she is really adaptive and helpful to me. She helps me set my goals, helps me to meet them, and also leaves me wanting more and better next time. She also really loves the external praise received from others about my performance at home, in the office, with clients, with friends and family. However, she holds very rigid rules, idealized goals, and unrealistic ambitions with the highest expectations, and when they are not met, she can be incredibly harsh, condemning, and self-critical. She has absolutely no room for error and wants me to be flawless, faultless, making no mistakes in any area of life. She also has the power to create deep inflexibility within my line of thinking and behaviors, and can even get in the way of meaningful experiences and relationships. She can keep me stuck in procrastination only adding to the anxieties that come with being a working mom and a human being. Can anyone relate?

The Two Faces of Perfectionism: Adaptive vs. Maladaptive

Over time through maturity, life experiences, and of course, my own individual therapy journey, I have learned to differentiate between adaptive perfectionism, and maladaptive, or unhelpful perfectionism. Since this is more of a trait or facet of personality more than it is a diagnosable mental disorder, it can be conceptualized as one variable that, when acted on, can either enhance our life and well-being, or drain us and keep us stuck in unnecessary suffering. My goal for this month’s newsletter is to dose readers up a few intensive therapeutic interventions that can be done at home, at no cost to you, to release yourself from the grips of the harsh inner critic that speaks perfectionistic lingo to you, and instead, lead you on a path of flexible striving towards high yet attainable standards and a life well lived.

Where Does Perfectionism Come From

For many of us, our inner perfectionist was born during our early childhood experiences if we had caregivers/parents with extremely high standards for us; if we were made to believe and feel that we are never good enough; or received conditional love and affection based on our achievements. If this is you, please read this and silently say this to yourself: “it was hard at times growing up having such rigid and unreachable expectations put on me, I know I am not alone in this struggle, may I give myself the permission to inherently know that I am good enough, flaws and all. My mistakes, nor my achievements, do not define me. My actions based on my heart’s deepest values are what defines me.”

The Power of Making Mistakes on Purpose

Learning to accept that we are all perfectly imperfect may be best the way out of the tight grip that our inner perfectionist has on us. What better way to conquer perfectionism than to on purpose break its own self-imposed rule of “I must not make a mistake or else”. We can do this through on purpose making intentional mistakes as the intervention coupled with a very healthy dose of self-compassion. Forcing perfectionists to make mistakes helps them become more accepting of failure and not doing things the “right” way.

Examples:

1. On purpose, spell at least 3 words wrong.
2. On purpose trip in front of someone.
3. On purpose pay for something with the incorrect amount of money.
4. On purpose drop something in front of others such as your cellphone, car keys, eye glass case.
5. On purpose, order something that is not on the menu at a restaurant.
6. On purpose, greet someone with the wrong name.
7. On purpose attempt to purchase something at Target with a Walmart gift card.

Lean into Discomfort: The Path to Growth

Really allow yourself to lean into the experience of doing something “wrong” or making a mistake. Make space for that discomfort to be present, just as it is, without any effort to do anything or change anything. It is in this space of gentle allowance of discomfort where real learning happens. Let’s get comfortable being uncomfortable as a perfectly imperfect human being.

An inner perfectionist can drive anyone to burnout and exhaustion. As an act of self-compassion, would you be willing to choose now as the time to give yourself a break?