Fostering Connection Through Validation in Interpersonal Relationships - by The Montclair Therapist, Dr. Amanda Aster-McKenna, Psy.D - Licensed Psychologist in Montclair, NJ
February 2025 Newsletter

Dear Readers,
Why Problem-Solving Isn’t Always the Best Response
Question for you: What is your knee-jerk reaction when your partner is upset about a situation, or even worse, upset with you? Do you have the instinctual urge to jump right into problem-solving mode? Or do you take a minute, get present with yourself and with your partner, actively listen to what they are saying, and make sense of their inner world of feelings and emotions?
If you are like me (at least the old me pre-psychologist era!), my initial reaction was to try my best to figure out how to make my partner’s “upsetness” go away, because I was uncomfortable knowing that he was in emotional pain and I wanted to do something about it! However, in jumping into action mode, I inadvertently left my then boyfriend (now husband!) feeling totally alone in his distress.
The Power of Validation in Relationships
Another question for you: What would you say if I told you that perhaps that most effective and meaningful way to make your partner’s emotional problem better is to let them know that you understand what they are feeling and not seek out an immediate solution? Seems counterintuitive right? Read on to find out more …
Have you ever had the experience of not feeling heard by your partner, or felt alone in what you are experiencing? If you’re like most of us, the answer is likely yes, and these feelings of being alone and unheard more often than not lead to a great degree of disconnection in relationships. The heartfelt intentions of wanting to take away your partner’s distress may actually unintentionally leave them feeling invalidated – as I learned the hard way.
What is Validation and Why Does It Matter?
Before we understand what invalidation is, we have to first understand and get a grip on what validation is and why it is so important in fostering connection with our romantic partners. Taken right from Webster’s dictionary, the word “validation” quite literally means “to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of”. Bringing this definition to a relational context, validation is an act of doing, or, giving an affirmation that another person’s inner world of feelings, experiences, or opinions make sense (even if they don’t make sense to you!) Validation does not include your judgements or opinions of how the other person feels or advice on how they should handle their situation.
How Early Experiences Shape Our Understanding of Feeling Validated
Many of us have experienced early learning through caregivers/parents and messaging from our culture/society a lack of validation and an abundance of invalidation. How many times can you remember your mother or father (or caregiver) tell you “What are you crying about? If you don’t stop crying right now I will give you something to cry about!” Or perhaps a scenario a little less emotionally abusive … what about when you went to your caregiver sharing that you were worried about your midterm tomorrow, and they responded something along the lines of “don’t worry honey, I know how hard you have been studying, and I know you got this. There is absolutely nothing to worry about”. These types of messages tend to leave us feeling like we are wrong for having these feelings in the first place, or worse, that we are crazy because we shouldn’t be feeling them! Because of this unfortunate cultural norm, many of us do not have much expertise or experience in providing validation to others because we don’t have much experience being validated ourselves!
How Validation Strengthens Emotional Safety and Connection
Receiving validation from our partners helps to ensure a sense of emotional safety and connection, and allows us to relinquish the need to protect ourselves through our emotional defense system. One important piece inherent in the act of providing validation is that we consciously and mindfully empathize without judgement or advice giving. Even if you don’t understand, disagree, or wouldn’t feel the same way your partner does, are you willing to put yourself behind their eyes and in their shoes, take their perspective, and see why they feel this way? If the answer is yes, read on …
Practical Phrases to Validate Your Partner
Here are some helpful validating phrases to try on the next time your partner (or really anyone in your circle for extra practice 😊) comes to you courageously and shares their vulnerability and distress:
1. Gosh, that sounds really tough
2. Help me understand the situation that left you feeling upset
3. I understand why you’re upset, I would feel the same way too if I were in your shoes
4. I totally hear you
5. I get it
6. Is there anything I can do to help
7. You have the right to feel that way
OR the shortest, simplest phrase that has the power to move mountains and foster human connection:
8. Of course …
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*Peace, Love, & Fierce Acceptance*
Dr. Amanda Aster-McKenna, Psy.D.
(She/Her/Hers)
NJ Licensed Psychologist #5888, Private Practice, Montclair, NJ
Adjunct Professor, Kean University, Department of Advanced Studies in Psychology
Manager, New York City Chapter of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science
Board Member, Mental Health Association of Essex and Morris