February is often wrapped in hearts, flowers, and messages about romantic love. But from a psychologist’s perspective, this month is also a powerful invitation to look at a quieter, more foundational relationship: the one you have with yourself.
True self-love isn’t indulgence, perfection, or constant positivity. It’s not pretending everything is fine or rewarding yourself only when you’ve “earned it.” Real self-love shows up in how we speak to ourselves when we fall short, how we care for our limits, and how willing we are to take our own needs seriously.
One of the simplest—and most challenging—ways to understand self-love is this question:
Am I treating myself the way I wish others would treat me?
Most of us want to be met with respect, honesty, patience, and care. Yet internally, we can be harsh, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable. We push through exhaustion, minimize our feelings, or tell ourselves to “just deal with it.” Loving yourself means practicing toward yourself the same compassion, boundaries, and attunement you hope to receive from others.
This is where assertiveness enters the conversation—and where it’s often misunderstood.
Assertiveness Is Not Aggression:
Many people avoid assertiveness because it feels risky. They worry it’s selfish, confrontational, or unkind. In reality, assertiveness is none of those things.
Assertiveness is the ability to clearly, calmly, and respectfully express your thoughts, feelings, and needs—without attacking, apologizing for existing, or abandoning yourself to keep the peace.
– Aggression says, “My needs matter more than yours.”
– Passivity says, “Your needs matter more than mine.”
– Assertiveness says, “My needs matter, and so do yours.”
From a psychological standpoint, assertiveness is an act of self-respect. It’s self-love in behavior, not just intention.
Why Assertiveness Deepens Connection
When we don’t act assertively, we often expect others to mind-read our needs—or we silently hope they’ll notice our discomfort. When that doesn’t happen, resentment builds, distance grows, and we may feel unseen or unimportant.
Assertiveness interrupts that cycle.
By naming what we feel and need, we give others the opportunity to show up for us. We create clarity instead of confusion, intimacy instead of guesswork. In close relationships, this kind of honesty fosters trust and emotional safety. People feel more connected not when we are endlessly agreeable, but when we are real.
Self-love, then, isn’t just an internal practice—it’s relational. When you treat yourself with enough respect to speak up, set boundaries, and ask for what you need, you’re not pushing people away. You’re inviting more authentic connection.
A February Reflection
This month, consider reflecting on these questions:
- How do I speak to myself when I’m struggling—and would I speak that way to someone I love?
- Where am I being passive to avoid discomfort, at the expense of my own needs?
- What would it look like to express one need clearly and kindly this week?
Loving yourself is not about being perfect or fearless. It’s about being willing to show up for yourself—consistently, imperfectly, and with compassion. And often, that love is felt most deeply when we let it shape how we relate to others.
Because when you practice self-love through self-respect, everyone benefits. 💛
About The Montclair Therapist
Located in Montclair, NJ, The Montclair Therapist provides in-person and virtual therapy for working parents and professionals.
Our work integrates Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) to support emotional balance, self-compassion, and resilience — especially during life transitions and seasonal changes.
Read more articles at our blog homepage.
About the Author
Dr. Amanda Aster McKenna, Psy.D. is a Licensed Psychologist based in Montclair, NJ, providing both in-person and virtual therapy across all PSYPACT states (see full list here).
She specializes in Trauma-Informed Care, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT).
In addition to her clinical practice, Dr. McKenna is a professor of psychology at Kean University in Union, NJ — and a proud working mom to three beautiful children.
Until next time,
Your favorite enabler of Mental Wellness
The Montclair Therapist
Dr. Amanda Aster-McKenna, Psy.D.
(She/Her/Hers)
NJ Licensed Psychologist #5888, Private Practice, Montclair, NJ
Adjunct Professor, Kean University, Department of Advanced Studies in Psychology
Manager, New York City Chapter of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science
Board Member, Mental Health Association of Essex and Morris
*Peace, Love, & Fierce Acceptance*
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